These Boots Are Made For Walkin'

“And you will know the truth, and that truth will set you free,” says the Bible. This statement can be taken in a few different ways: truth about others, inner truth, life truth. I can’t say for certain if freedom follows truth. But I can say, once one admits the truth to themselves - there’s no going back.

There came a point in my marriage, after years of personal denial, when the truth wanted out. Either I was going to die inside from the quiet pain of discontent or let my inner voice be heard, and find the grit needed to deal with what followed. As if my truth had a mind of its own, it decided to express itself within the words of a novel. During that period, I had to face the fact that I did not love my husband in the way one should love their partner. I was devoted to him, but in no way was I in love with him.

Well, what followed can only be described with these two words - pure hell. And yet, despite the monumental turn the truth forced me to make, I never looked back and never once felt even a hint of regret. I knew that I would rather live alone than with someone with whom I was not deeply in love. There are certain perils inherent to that type of impassioned love - but far better to experience those than the perils of wasting one’s life away with the wrong person; knowing all the while that they’re the wrong person.

The other truth I finally had to admit to myself was that I wanted to take all that dwelled within me and put it into words. A truth my inner being recognized the moment I put my 8 year old nose into a dusty, 1869 copy of Little Women. A full-on vulnerable, often lonely pursuit and one without any financial guarantees, but one that no longer could be denied. And on the lonely nights or days filled with doubt, I glance at the reviews my books and blog have received (I keep each and every one), words like: wow, amazing, it made me feel happy, mad and sad, I couldn’t put it down, well-written and I loved it - and take comfort. Those words steady my feet as I keep pushing forward down this path. 

These truths, embody the road I have chosen. As scared as I get at times, as convinced as I sometimes feel that I may die alone accompanied only by a houseful of rescue dogs - I don’t regret walking this road. There is a singular freedom that resides within being honest with one's self. I only regret that I didn’t have the courage to set my truth free earlier.

Sane