Still Me, Just Older and Wiser

I’ve never had a Valentine's Day that’s turned out all that well, at least, not in the romantic sense.

I’ve never once had a man stuff a piece of jewelry inside a hiding place, with hopes of surprising me later. I’ve never frolicked in the snow with my partner; just to turn, and discovered a small open box perched in his hand. Of course, those are commercials. Hardly real. 

Like wanting a Norman Rockwell Christmas, its not a good idea to hope for a Valentine’s Day like the one’s in a Zale’s advertisement. Although, admittedly, one like that would’ve been nice; especially considering I spent a decade with someone who purported to have loved me.

You see, inside this semi-jaded writer lives a romantic; which is good as my novels are all quasi romance novels. I love surprising the one I care for, spouse or friend. I enjoy giving tokens of my affection, and I enjoy pampering my partner.

Upon my first Valentine’s Day with my ex husband, he offered nothing. Not a card. Not a flower. Nothing. Finally, as the day came to an end, I inquired. After all, by then, we’d been together for eight months. During such time, when he'd lost his job, I shared with him my home. When he couldn’t pay his child support, I paid it, and when my funds were too low to do so, I sold my jewelry and had a yard sale. Looking back, its obvious, ours was not a two way street. He offered nothing except manufactured sentiments. Of course back then, I didn't know he was spinning fiction, and as for our gestures: I wasn’t keeping score. I believed in him, and he needed help.  

To my inquiry regarding Valentine’s Day, he said, “Oh. Gee, isn’t every day Valentine’s Day when you’re in love?” Of course the answer to this is, “Hell no.”

This was a tell tale sign of things to come. The subsequent Valentine’s Days never felt right. They were empty. I knew his true feelings. A card is easily purchased, once one is told they should do so. It’s the sign of affection one gets without having to mention anything, that counts. Or at least, thats how it works with me. 

Hindsight is crystal clear. Of course, its also useless; unless one uses it to guide them with their future decisions. In the nearly ten years I spent with my ex husband, I never received anything from him that felt sincere. One can’t give what they don’t have. 

He never bought me an engagement ring. But then again, we were near penniless in the beginning. Half way through the marriage however, and after working passed my first attempt to divorce him, he showed up with a beautiful diamond. It was stunning. I cried. I was so surprised. Later that day, he handed me the invoice for nearly $8,000. I was, after all, the accountant for the business; in his mind, this was just another bill for me to figure out how to pay. I cried again.

It’s a terrible thing, discovering your locked in a union with someone who doesn’t love you. As with all things however, one bad apple in no way indicates the entire bushel is sour. Out there, somewhere, is an eccentric, intelligent rebel who also, just happens to be, a wee bit romantic. I can’t say when or if our paths will cross. But anything's possible.

Sane