Here’s a nifty idea - if you don’t believe in abortion - don’t have one. And, If you don’t believe in same sex marriage, don’t marry anyone of the same gender.
Seems simple enough. Yet, somehow, this enormously simplistic approach is ignored. I think, while there are no good presidential candidates to choose from, I should run. While in office, I’ll hammer out a few new laws.
My plan: shake up the country to such a dizzying level from unreasonable, unjust and just-plain-wrong thinking, that they no longer fuss over things that have no bearing on them personally.
As an example: it doesn't matter if I believe in abortion or not, because that isn’t the point. What I do feel passionately about, is a woman’s right to be the sole decision maker regarding what she does with her body. And while that cluster of cells is within her uterine walls, it is part of her body - no one else’s. Case closed.
But to give the country a big squeeze of enlightenment, I will impose rules that have no place being imposed on others. The first thing to go will be sensible shoes. I don’t like sensible shoes. No one looks good in sensible shoes. They’re gone. Many will whine and lament that their shoes weren’t hurting anyone, and how dare I decide what shoes they wear or don’t wear. To this, I’ll kick my head back and laugh. I’ll also be smoking a cigar. It’ll give me an air of old-school, bloated indifference.
Next, no one can be more than ten pounds over weight. Nothing will snap the country back to reality faster. This infraction of their rights will keep most everyone (including me), plenty busy. It will meet with great protest. To this, I will shout out the cost of obesity on our healthcare system: diabetes, heart disease, the list is near endless. I might get gunned down. At the very least I will have protestors. There will be many signs that read: My Weight My Business!
All of which will lead me to have a startling press conference, wherein I'll kindly explain that there is a group of people who believe obesity is immoral. The body was not made to extend beyond its frame. According to some, its a perversion to take the body away from its original form. The human form, when toned and healthy, is a beautiful creation - just as God had intended. And anything that isn't valued and kept as "this group feels" God created it, will be viewed as wrong. I’ll also babble some medical references, and perhaps a few biblical ones too; just to solidify my reasoning. A few protestors will scream out that they were born that way, and that its not a choice. They have a sluggish thyroid, they'll say. I'll bellow, "We need to value and preserve the sanctity and purity of the human form!"
While they’re busy reeling from having been judged unfairly, and having their personal rights unjustly infringed upon, I’ll blindside them by letting them know they’re health insurance is at risk, and that they'll be losing some valuable tax benefits due to their immoral ways. They’ll wail that the two have nothing to do with the other (and of course they're right). Yet, just to mess with them, I'll say that I feel differently. “But who are you to decide such a thing?” they'll gasp. At such point I will let them know that it has been decided that these beliefs are just plain better for our country and all of its inhabitants, regardless of what some of those inhabitants may feel, and regardless of how these beliefs impact their personal lives.
At this point I’ll most likely get shot. But that’s okay. I will have gotten my point across, after which we can return to the much needed task of rebuilding our country's financial infrastructure and credibility.
Sane
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