I'm Not Proud of Those Times

There were two girls in my high school that were picked on repeatedly. I know this because while they were being singled out and tormented - I stood - doing nothing. To this day, I regret my lack of action.

Although I didn’t take part in the harassment, by doing nothing, by not stepping in, I was just as morally lacking as those that cornered those two girls and called them ugly names. Some may say I’m being too harsh on myself. I’m not. I am, however, honest about my failings. 

In many ways bystanders carry just as much, if not a heavier burden of guilt, than the aggressor; not in all situations, but surely in some. There are times when the aggressor doesn’t know any better. Often though, those standing idly by - do. Yet they make a conscious decision to do nothing.

I wasn’t strong enough back then. I wasn’t confident in my own self back then, not enough to step out, in front of other girls, and intervene. Of course, I’m a different person now. Although I don’t engage in other people’s battles, as often there’s more at play than meets the eye, I will intervene when someone is being victimized. Had I walked in on a young boy being molested in a locker room shower, not only would I have intervened, the perpetrator would no longer be around to talk about it. Of course, that may seem harsh to some people too. It’s not. I also would have no problem gunning down a grizzly bear if it were malling a young boy in the woods. To me, these two threats are one in the same. That’s not quite accurate. I would feel sadness for having taken the life of a bear.

I never talked with those two girls. Like wild cats, abused to the point of being unapproachable, they treated most everyone as a threat. I was too scared to get near them for fear they'd hiss at me. And, being a young teenager, I had my delicate popularity status to consider, which was teetering as is. It's too late to make amends of course. I would if I could. 

I don't think about these memories often. These thoughts are not the reason why I’ve been up since 2:30am. Under the comforting shades of darkness, I’ve been listening to my dog breathe peacefully next to me in bed. Rubbing my hand across her face, she breathes deeper. Listening to her, I can’t help but wonder - will I ever know the same kind of peace.

Sane