When one is young, they feel as if they know everything. As one grows older it becomes undeniably clear - they were wrong. But also what becomes clear is that it would take two lifetimes, if not more, to gather all the knowledge needed to walk through this world without tripping.
I trip - a lot. And it isn’t always graceful. I forget important birthdays, I blurt out the wrong thing occasionally. Regrettably, I’ve stepped on a few feelings. I’m far from perfect. But, at the very least, I’m honest about it.
Once we log a few decades, we get a true sense for who we are, what we want and also learn a few lessons along the way. Not all lessons are big. But all are important. Putting earbuds into one’s ears without first checking the volume - seems trivial, but more important it could not be.
Sometimes we learn something about ourselves when we aren’t even trying. I’ve lived a full life and yet, I’ve only fallen truly in love two times. I’ve loved. And when I love, I love with dedication. But, that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about the type of love that feels like a descent into some unknown place. The fall cannot be controlled, if it could, one wouldn't be - falling. I have in the past been with someone for what felt like the right reasons. There was no descent. Although committed, I was not in love.
The first time I fell in love, it was doomed from the start. We parted tragically and two months later he passed away - a brain hemorrhage that removed him from my life completely. I still think about him often. The second time, happened unexpectedly. Even with my guarded walls that nearly reach the sky, this person snuck in and stole my heart. And to this day, with him my heart remains. My fall was not graceful. Nor was his. I made some missteps, as did he. On an intrinsic level he matched me in a way that nearly paralyzed me with fear; fear of vulnerability. I don’t wear vulnerability well. But, vulnerability borders the pathway of true love, so down the path I walked. I cannot say what will become of this union. Time will tell. Fate is fickle, and although appearing indecisive, Fate's movements are never by chance.
But what I’ve learned over the years is not to regret the many times I have tripped during daily life nor to regret the two times I have free-fallen into the startling, yet beautiful depths of love. From tripping I've learned to become a better person and from both falls I was given the gift that can only be found in this most vulnerable, passionate of places - the state of being in love. Of course, I trip less now, my steps are quite a bit more steady. But as for the fall - well - even with a parachute, once one jumps from a plane they can't turn back. So you plummet. And in many ways, for however long its given, you hope for the best and enjoy the fall.
Sane
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