At Times I Do Manage To Fly

Steinbeck referred to himself as, “A lumbering soul - but trying to fly.” I don’t believe there is another quote with which I relate more to than that of Steinbeck’s.

My awareness of my emotions and my lumbering soul, is the core of who I am, and therefore how I write. I always am aware: whether flying or lumbering. I see most of us as lumbering just a bit, yet hopeful to fly. I don’t mind this awareness, although I will admit at times I wish I could be less aware.

Looking into one’s soul is not such a bad thing. In my mind its much like when one finally takes stock of their physical appearance and identifies what is shaping up nicely and what needs a bit more work. All the while, accepting what they see as a whole. I can no sooner change my soul than I can suddenly change my physical shape. As much as I would like to be a few inches taller, no effort on my part will ever make it so. I will forever be 5’6” and shrinking.

I see the world through layers. Some days the layer is bright and full of hope. On other days, the layer is only that of bleak grey. All layers are ever present, but at times my eye is made aware of only one.

I could blame some of this awareness on the author’s I read. Wilde, Steinbeck, Lawrence and London. But they didn’t create this awareness, I did. I do, thankfully, find comfort knowing I am not alone - and that is what those writers do for me in that regard. They provide me a kindred companion.

You will probably notice how often I take flight just to drop back onto the ground where I’m forced to lumber a bit longer. This up and down continuum does not surprise me, so it shouldn’t surprise you. There are those that seem to take flight so easily and gracefully. I’m not one of them. But all this trying is inherent to the process of personal growth. Hopefully I will have a few trusted friends and readers who will thrust their lumbering bodies upward with me. 

Without the lumbering, we would have no point of reference by which to enjoy flying.

Sane