Buh Bye 2011

It only makes sense that today of all days, we should look back. I will do so with joy and sadness, as I lost my father and my faithful Irish setter this last year. One wanted desperately to die, the other did not.

I haven’t yet figured out what to do with the things that sadden me; they weigh my heart down like hidden grains of sand gathered in the base of my heart and feet. With every movement I notice that I’m heavier due to their passing. 

But then there is the joy. For the first time in 2 1/2 years I have no court dates ahead of me, as I am no longer legally shackled to the booze saturated sloth that is my ex husband. Even with weighted steps, that fact alone, makes me jump for joy. And of course my book is now published; available to all those that want to buy it. Soon it will be marketed, and soon its success will become a reality; this, of course, being the only option I allow my mind to think.

I am entering the new year with no real resolutions except to make an ardent effort, every day, to listen to my inner guidance system and rely more on my ability to shape my world rather than let my world be passively shaped by others. Some may wonder what that means. I am of the belief that, for the most part, we can determine our own fate. We don’t determine what happens in this world as a whole, so there are the random (metaphorical) bullets that zing past us. At times we may even be hit. But I don’t believe the bullet shapes us, I believe how we react and what we do with the bullet shapes us. If we dwell on the bullet, we may very well get more bullets. If we dwell negative, we often get more negative. As my friend once told me: dwell well. And so I will.

My efforts will be in dwelling on the positive, regardless of any bullets. No efforts need to be taken to mull over the unsavory what if’s or role play within my mind scenarios other than the scenarios that I want to see take place. If another bullet comes my way, there will be plenty of time to react. I don’t need to react before I’ve even heard the sound of gunshot echoing through the air. 

Truth is, I’ve been working on harnessing my mind for years. But when a bullet has grazed me, or God forbid, brought me down - I think about the bullet - a lot. When there is a complication trying to remove the bullet - I think about the bullet all the more. Then when all has been thought, from every possible angle, I contemplate how I will pay for the surgery to remove the bullet. Some of these thoughts may seem necessary. For the most part, I can assure you, they are not. My reactionary skills are quite good. If I’m brought down, within seconds, my mind thrusts into action, and provides the necessary information to help bring me back onto my feet.

I am quite happy to put 2011 to rest. I will spend the last remaining hours of the year with my children. I will think about the miracles that came my way over the course of 2011, but mainly I will be looking ahead - not with fear or worry, but with excitement and hope. 

To those who have stuck by my blog faithfully - thank you. Within each of us, lies a gift. There is a reason we are here, now, living this life. Not all of us are here to live a grandiose life or discover the cure for cancer. But we all have something of importance to offer. With this new year, take what is in you, cherish it, cultivate it, and without fear of judgment, rejection or scrutiny, share it with the world. Not everyone will enjoy my writing - but I’ll do it anyway. I will do it for the one’s that do. I will do it because its what's within me.

Happy New Year

Sane