Sitting in my Jeep at the end of my long driveway, with only the soft glow of the dash lights to illuminate the spelling list held in my hand, I read off word after word to my daughter while she waited for the bus.
As I took the time to carefully enunciate each one, I noticed my daughter’s frustration with the obvious quirks inherent in the English language. I’m sure there are reasons why words are spelled in the manner they are. However, to those of us who do not make grammar our profession or etymology our hobby, the English language is confusing, not to mention, just plain ludicrous.
Why do we need silent letters? I can’t for the life of me see why they are necessary. I pity the fool that tries to explain to a fourth grader why the word bought isn’t spelled with an a like the word caught; as these irregular verbs are pronounced identical except for the first letter. And for the love of Pete, why are we required to use ph to produce the f sound. Instead of teaching children that ph is meant to sound like an f - why not just use an f in the first place? I know the word diaphragm would make a whole lot more sense if it were spelled diafram. And why is the letter g hiding in that word? It's as if the letter g ran away from home and hid inside of various words.
Would it have hurt anyone had the word laundry been spelled lawndry? It only makes sense. In addition to all the incomprehensible circumstances and conundrums life throws our way, we are also required to memorize these hard to understand quirks in the English language. Life is confusing, our words needn’t be. Adding to all this confusion is the simple fact that our spoken language is riddled with so many mispronunciations and grammatical mistakes that our ear no longer is piqued when something is said wrong. In fact, oftentimes, something sounds more right when it is pronounced wrong.
All of this lunacy is enough to make one reach for the tequila bottle. But I don't have time to drown my sorrows, I'm busy trying to make certain I don’t dangle my participles.
Obviously, we need to have some level of order within our written and verbal forms of communication. But shouldn’t that level of order make sense? Try explaining to a child why the letter K and the letter C are pronounced - at times - the same. Wouldn’t it have been easier to have used the letter K for words such as: kettle, cat, killjoy and curmudgeon? And saved the letter C for all the ch words: chance, charlatan, cholera and chicory? I’ll tell you right now, had I ruled the world when all this language business was being decided, I would’ve done it that way. Of course, I also would've outlawed religious persecution and war. But that’s me. I would have made peace and love the order of the day, not: confusion, nonsensical rules and infringements upon one’s rights. I would like to think, a world run in this benevolent way, would be a bit more fun, not to mention, a bit safer. I suppose even within such a harmonious society there would be a few rabble rousers and those prone to skulduggery; people insisting upon the use of silent g's, n's and p's just to undermine the overall peacefulness. No tree is without a few bad apples. Just because careful attention is taken to nourish and feed the tree, there is no guarantee the tree will create only good fruit. Even apples in such a sorry decaying state can be put to good use however. Therefore, I declare that all rotten fruit be pitched into the woods for the critters to eat.
It’s no wonder we are in the state of discontentment, debt and chaos that we are. Kids learn early that they will be forced to learn, graded upon and required to use a system of language and a system of life that fundamentally doesn’t make sense.
Sane
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