I like the As Seen on TV commercials - I admit it. I especially like the anguished, just sucked on a lemon, face the actor makes when using one of the tools mankind has used successfully for decades; such as a knife, used to pierce the thin skin of a tomato. Apparently, for some, not only does their knife fail to do the job, but the maneuver can cause such immense discomfort, the knife needs to be dropped abruptly as if it were alive with electricity. All of which, causes the actor to grab their hand in unbearable pain. But if they use the knife being advertised, they not only are able to cut the tomato, they can do so pain free and with joy. I need one of those.
And the reason I need one is: according to the commercial once I start using said product, my life will suddenly swing from anguished to enjoyable. I know this because on TV the actor instantly, upon cutting with the right knife, began shaking their head softly back and forth in astonishment, and their face overwhelmingly revealed their joy. Well I want to feel that same joy. Never once have I ever shown the same amazement or delight when using a product. Obviously, I’m buying all the wrong products.
I’ve also concluded that I must be very different than other mothers. I base this information on a particular paper towel commercial I’ve seen many times. In which, the mother nods her head with love and gee golly appreciation after her children had sufficiently hosed down her kitchen with soda. Well, love and appreciation would be the last thing showing on my face if my children were to do that. I’m even going to venture so far as to say the opposite expression would be fixed like stone onto my face. There isn’t a paper towel ever created that would, upon finding a soaked, sticky kitchen, prompt me to put a hand on my hip, and smile lovingly at my children before I happily started wiping down the countertops. But then again, I haven’t tried that particular paper towel…
I've also noticed, when my purse or wallet has failed to contain all that I've chosen to stuff them with, I rarely get upset. Whereas, in the commercial, once the actor struggles to unearth their keys from the bottom of their purse or tries to cram another credit card into their wallet without success – they literally look like their world has just fallen apart. However, upon switching to the better purse or better wallet, instantly, their world comes together, and they are happy. Well, I want to be happy.
I also want to buy pajama bottoms that look just like my best fitting jeans. This is what the commercial says, and God knows they wouldn’t make something like that up. Apparently I can wear these pants anywhere and no one will even notice they’re not real jeans. I want those. I can’t wait to wear them out to dinner with my friends. I bet they’ll never notice that I am wearing sweatpants stamped to look like denim.
I want to have a bowl than never spills too. I want to fill it to the brim and run around the house and see if its unique gyro design really does work. I bet it does.
All of these items will surely make my life better. Of that - there is no doubt. I wonder if there is a product that will improve the other, unseemly, aspects of my life. I can just hear it now: “Is there a deadbeat in your life?” The actor nods with immense disapproval. “Well with our new patent pending spray, you can turn that deadbeat into a respectable citizen. How? It’s easy!” The actor suddenly comes alive with happy surprise. “Using the uniquely designed, adjustable nozzle…" My eyes widen. "Wait! There’s more!” There is? “If you buy now, not only will you get to spray away the deadbeat, you'll be able to spray away his odd, upsetting to the children behavior too! It’s Easy!” I like easy, I whisper to myself, I wonder how much it is? If I buy now, I can get two! Or maybe something along this line: “Tired of making dinner for fussy kids?” The actor smiles with an over-the-top shrug of the shoulders before saying, “Who isn’t?” To which the narrator replies, “Fuss no more! It’s the Food-a-Rac-a-Cycle! Just like the one used by Jane Jetson! Just push a button and out pops the meal of your choice!” I need that.
Sane
No comments:
Post a Comment