Do you have that in a double?

So my son grabbed his cell phone and noticed he’d missed a call. I watched as he scrunched his face, trying to decipher what was being said on the other end of the line. Looking over at me he says, “It’s some guy from some store… Adam and Eve?”

My eyes widen with a touch of surprise. “Oh?” I say. He pokes the phone in my direction and asks if I want to listen. Now, what mother still drawing air into her lungs does not want to listen to a voicemail message left for her teenage son from the Adam and Eve online adult novelty store? This isn’t my first day at the circus after all, and I had questions. Who, what and why being the first three.

Finally getting his phone to replay the message, my son hits the speaker button. I can’t say I understood much of what this person had to say. In fact, most all of what was dubiously spewed out was undecipherable, except when they said: You ordered the thing that goes in your coochie and your bootie. Now, I’ve perused a few adult stores in my day, and I have never once seen something called The Thing. Instead, the boxes are adorned with wildly descriptive names; one’s that conjure all sorts of images.  The Terminator XXX with on board attachments, Sarah Johnson’s Double Whammy Fun Toy, the Black Knight’s Bilbo, and for those requiring a bit more refinement: The Millennium Falcon Z3000.

According to the voice in the recording, if we don’t pay within the next two months (I know, that’s what I thought too. Two months?), they’re going to cancel our order. No argument from me. So what was that call, I have to wonder. A prank – most likely. Couldn’t have been a scam. How on earth would they convince someone into forking over their credit card info for a thing that goes into your coochie and your bootie. I would have to imagine a message like that would ruffle more than a few feathers between many a married couple. Each eyeing the other with suspicion.

Not surprising, this person didn’t leave a call back number either. Just as well. If they had, you know I would be calling it. Not to harp. Not to chastise. But to completely mess with them. I’d tell them, in my best expressionless voice, “No, I did not order the thing that goes in the coochie and the bootie. I ordered the Flex Capacitor Love the Lovin' Spinning Centrifuge. And if you're store doesn't have it in stock you better damn well get it."

Sane.