With Thanks

Today marks the beginning of the next forty-two years of my life. When I was young, a teenager, I didn’t believe I would live past thirty. I couldn’t seem to picture an older version of myself. All I could envision was the one that I saw in the mirror. I am still, today, a little surprised by the person I see in the mirror.

As I give thought to these last forty-two years, I notice the inevitable aging process; some of it having been done gracefully, some - not so much. But the one thing that hasn’t aged is the voice in my mind. That voice has grown with knowledge, expanded with wisdom (or at least I hope), and without question, has become more seasoned. But its familiar resonance sounds almost the same as it did when I walked off the bus after school so many years ago; wondering if all was well at home and my birthday would be celebrated or things were once again on shaky ground and my birthday would be an afterthought. Growing up in an alcoholic home, these were the thoughts that sat at the foundation of every day life.

Invariably, when one looks back, they are forced to also look ahead. And in doing so I have to wonder what the next forty-two years will hold. I wonder if this next half (or more), of my life, will be the time in which my aspirations unfold, life eases up a bit, and genuine love and truth surrounds me. I hope so.

What I do know, while sitting here, in the dark, while both of my children are still hunkered under their blankets fast asleep, is that – I am grateful. There isn’t a day that goes by that I am not thankful to have them in my life. Not just as my children, but as the people accompanying me as I walk through life. It seems this journey, or at least the one I’ve taken thus far, has been a bit rough at times. And I can think of no other people I'd rather have walking beside me, than those two people sleeping soundly in their beds right now. I’m also grateful for the family I have, and my friends. My family is small, and those that I consider my closest friends are few. But I keep it that way. Each and every one of them seems to understand me, quirks and all. They seem to accept me regardless of my many faults, and I accept them.

Currently, there is a great deal of uncertainty surrounding my life. But the one thing for which I am certain is that I am blessed. I have managed to survive: growing up in an alcoholic home, two failed marriages, being stalked, four court cases, two bankruptcies (one of my own, one belonging to my estranged spouse), poverty, a near-death bone-crushing accident, my child diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor, the abrupt and expected loss of my business and now the premature loss of my father. There are many who have experienced far worse. And many, of those many, have done so with far greater strength and gracefulness. I have doubted myself and fallen apart more times than I care to count. At times it seems, I’m held together solely by the love of those closest to me, God's grace and perhaps…duct tape.

With that truth humbly spoken, please know, I do not look back with sad eyes – tired eyes perhaps – but not sad. I am blessed and grateful. Six years after surgery and countless rounds of radiation and chemotherapy later, my son remains healthy. That alone is enough. My children actually enjoy my company. And they come to me with questions spanning the mundane, to toe curling advice about sex. That alone is enough. Due to the help of a wonderful, beautiful woman, who I consider on many levels to be my mentor, I have made contact with an enormously accomplished agent. Her prodding and help, made that possible. And she continues to support my efforts as a writer. That alone is enough. I have the love and support of a caring family, and precious friends. That alone is more than most. And I love what I do – writing. Even though some days I feel as though I should get my head out of the clouds and give up, I continue to believe that my books and my simple words will soon touch many and become a great success. That belief is helped along by the support from my family and friends. That alone is enough, and their efforts have never once gone unnoticed.

My birthday wish to myself is that with these next four decades (or however many I am given), I finally step into the life I’ve always dreamed. And in doing so, help others, as much as they have helped me.

Sane