For the First Time

It’s going to get worse before it gets better. This was the concise sentence spoken to me over the telephone - a sentence that halted my usual on-the-phone pacing. Proof that sometimes what’s said by one’s psychic isn’t always what one wants to hear. Hanging up the phone that Thursday in March of 2010, I tried to diminish the ominous sentence by recalling the few times my psychic had been wrong. 

I awoke that Saturday after having a sickening dream. In it, the business bank account had been plundered, and the children and I were near penniless. Hoping to shelf the dream under the explanation of stress, I logged on to the business bank account. Watching the page download quickly onto the screen, my stomach sank as my eyes focused on the negative bank balance. For over eight years the weekly FedEx business checks had been direct deposited like clockwork - this time they were gone.

The FedEx manager offered no explanation other than to say on Monday he would have the main office try to make sense of the missing payments. Unfortunately, I knew, unless the missing $12,000 was located and deposited immediately, the business would sink rapidly. As most businesses do, the business I was running operated on a very thin margin. All of the paychecks, truck payments, fuel payments, and all of the payments to the government would bounce within a matter of days. I pushed my chair away from my desk and realized for all intents and purposes – the business was over, and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. Like one of the survivors from the Titanic, all I could do was watch as my business sank before my eyes.

Forcing my gaze in the other direction that Sunday, I packed for the spring break trip I’d planned for my children; a vacation that had been paid for in advance (if only I’d had a crystal ball when making the reservation months earlier). While shoving rolled t-shirts into the suitcase, my movements stopped. Dropping what I was doing, I logged into the business account on the FedEx website, and quickly made my way to the account settings page. Staring at the screen, the puzzle shifted into place. The bank and direct deposit information for the business had been changed to an account my business partner and estranged husband had secretly set up in his own name.

Numerous telephone calls ensued. The business attorney informed me, that diverting funds was no light matter – its grand theft. Not only did my partner commit a crime, he violated the court order put into place to secure the business and its assets during our divorce. Lastly, he managed to put the business on very shaking ground with FedEx. A company known not only for its award winning delivery service, but for the iron fist it yields ensuring that delivery service. Damage control began. All the while, I knew the end was near.  

That Monday I took my children on the trip as planned, with the hope that it would provide them with a distraction. My hands were tied. And I didn’t want to sit behind my desk when the business hit hard against the ocean floor. And, without the business, there would be no way to pay for my children’s home or anything else for that matter. There was a very large part of me that didn’t want to come back. Stepping off the plane, the FedEx manager called and said he was very sorry to have to inform me that FedEx had decided to sever all ties with my business. I had two weeks to sell all six delivery routes contracted with FedEx or lose their value completely due to termination.

Later at the hotel I cried. My kids cried with me. My cell phone rang incessantly with drivers whose paychecks had bounced. I was later told that my partner had informed the drivers that he had no idea why their checks were bouncing and that they should call me directly. All the while, the $12,000 sat in the checking account he had privately opened. The attorney tried to appeal the decision made by FedEx. FedEx refused. Diverting money is a serious crime, and one they didn’t take lightly. After sufficiently melting on the floor in a puddle of tears, the arms of my two wonderful children wrapped tightly around me, I let out an exhale and tried to find comfort in the realization that a new chapter was beginning for us whether we wanted it or not.

I called the psychic. Oddly enough, she said that I would sell all six routes and do so in the nick of time. Long story short – I did sell the routes. In doing so I found a level of strength buried within myself I had only tapped into once before, and that was when my son was diagnosed with brain cancer. On the evening before the final day in which to complete the sale, I faxed over all six purchase agreements. On that final day FedEx reviewed them, and approved the sale.

Things did get worse before they got better. The days after the psychic spoke those words were some of the worst in my life. But now, I’m living some of the best. Not because I have a new income source - because I don’t. Not because my children’s father has paid the $11,740 he owes in unpaid child support - because he hasn’t. But because, whether I’m crazy for doing so or not, I’m using this moment in time to write. I have taught my children the importance of pursuing one’s dream, and for the first time ever, I’m pursuing mine. It is my belief that one day my writing will succeed to the point of providing me with an income. Either way, I have to try. It helps that the same psychic has said it’ll work, and that I’ll be surprised by my own success. She has told me not to give up, and I have listened. If she could be so right about the other, I pray she is right about this. Regardless, life is about living. And through my words – I live.

Sane