I remember catching my ex-husband staring at himself in the mirror – often. He loved to gaze at his appearance. I never could figure out why. He wasn’t Quasimodo. He wasn’t hideous. But I never felt his physical appearance warranted such admiration, especially when that admiration came from himself. Having caught on to this habit of his, early in our relationship, I should have seen it as the red flag it was. I don’t gaze into the mirror. I don’t look fondly at my relfection and slowly shift my head around admiring my different angles – he did though. I have since, tried to teach my children the importance of spotting a red flag. There is a reason why upon spotting certain things your stomach does an uncomfortable flop. When the red flag is flapping, don't go any further.
Last night as my brother and I finished answering the gazillion discovery questions he was requested to finish by his attorney, questions to which both parties in his divorce already know the answers, we had to laugh. The questions weren’t funny. In fact, his divorce is anything but funny. Our laughter had more to do with sadness than anything else. But sitting there, our eyes blurry from pounding answer after answer into the computer, we laughed at the absurdity of it – the gamble taken when one shares their love and their life.
It is my sincere belief that before anyone gets married; they need to divorce the person first. It’s the only way in which one will ever know the kind of person they are truly marrying, the person under the surface. I realize it’s a flawed suggestion as it can never be executed – first comes marriage, then comes the almost certain divorce. However, I stand by my theory. Now, if you are one of the few that has logged ample years married and shows no signs of your house of cards collapsing – I raise my glass to you. Now back to the rest of us...
Whether due to being drunk with love, or because they have ulterior motives (two completely different ends of the spectrum), what one sees in the beginning of the relationship isn’t always a true representation of what one will be getting. Some of us are open books – what you see is what you get. However, I’ve discovered that this type of person is much like paper books, we are getting harder and harder to find and soon, I fear, we may disappear altogether.
I understand I may sound cynical. Most likely, because I am. In fact it’s been brought to my attention by my psychic that I better not build the wall around my heart too high as it will cause problems down the road (these words have a tendency to make a person swallow hard). I lived with someone for over ten years (the complete duration of the union), that lied to me. Big lies, little lies. Lies that made zero sense, lies that I knew were conjured because he was found out and backed into a corner. And yet, I picked this bloke. This simple fact leaves me to believe that, one: I was duped. Two: obviously I lacked any and all skills when it came to picking a partner, and three: I will never marry again.
Don’t get me wrong, I do believe in love. In fact, I feel true love is formed from the same wonderful energy that makes the earth spin gently. And I won’t lie, one day I would enjoy seeing a wildly attractive man with lightly disheveled hair crawl out of my bed. But right now, my cynical eye overrules my heart. But when the time is right, when my novels are being enjoyed by many, and I am allowed to relax, maybe I’ll put an Ad out that reads: Single, white female seeks single man who appreciates himself, but is not in love with himself. Doesn’t stare at himself in the mirror longer than what’s necessary. Is attractive, but not so much as to cause a stir. Is intelligent, and funny. And lastly, doesn’t mind taking a polygraph on the first date.
Sane
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